As with every new year that passes, we tend to reflect on what we have achieved, set ourselves goals and have expectations for the year ahead. We all have expectations, some bigger than others. Why do they matter? How can they cause conflict? And what you can do to manage them?

Think about a time where you expected a journey to take 15 minutes, but you were faced with traffic and roadworks and the journey ended up taking twice as long. Your expectation failed to be met, leading to disappointment, possibly frustration.

What about a time when you expected your partner to have washed the dishes, but when you came from work the dishes were still untouched. Therefore again leading to disappointment, frustration and possibly an argument.

Embedded expectations can cause conflict

One of the most common reasons for conflict in households is that our expectations can differ wildly from those around us. We could have high expectations of a situation or person, however a key part of having any expectations is to be able to distinguish between realistic and unrealistic ones.

All of us have expectations about how our lives should be; whether it’s to do with our career, marriage, or something else. The influences of society, social media, speaking with friends, family and constantly comparing ourselves to others, becomes embedded in our expectations over time.

Most of our expectations involve other people behaving in a certain way or acting in a certain way towards us. When our expectations involve others, there is always the chance that those people will fail to behave the way you expect them to, especially when they are not even aware of it! Your expectations will be unfulfilled and the disappointment can result in something bigger: anger, arguments, conflict, breakdown or failure.

I recently mediated a case about an inheritance dispute. Money is one of the most common reasons for why family relationships breakdown. In this particular case, the son felt cheated and thought his lifestyle had been significantly impacted because he had been expecting something which had not materialised. His parents had no idea of his expectation and nor had they felt he was due anything. This resulted in not only breakdown of the relationship between the son and his parents, but also between the grandchildren and his parents too.

Unspoken expectations are more likely to go unfulfilled

How often have you heard people say “it’s not your fault, you didn’t know she didn’t like that”, or “how were you meant to know how she was feeling if she didn’t tell you?

In the same way, how is someone else meant to know what you expect of them if you don’t tell them? How can you get angry with someone for failing to meet your expectations, when they weren’t aware of them or didn’t fully understand them?

Unspoken and uncommunicated expectations are the ones which are most likely to lead to disappointment. You can change this by talking more openly to those around you, being clearer in your communication and not expecting others to know what you want or need. Conflict in our lives has become common and it’s become harder to recognise. Open communication is a key tool to avoiding misunderstandings.

Consciously managing your expectations

Expectations can create stress and anxiety when they go unfulfilled. We can consciously think about and manage our expectations.

Unrealistic expectations can often be the barrier to enable us to fully appreciate what we have today: our reality. It’s hard to fully appreciate what we have when we are always expecting more and comparing what we have to what we could have. 

• When you feel disappointed, think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. If it was, make a plan to get there and take steps to make the expectation more realistic.
• Remind yourself that social media posts aren’t always realistic ones and don’t tell the full story. It is always risky to compare yourself to something you don’t have a full view of.
• Talk more openly to those around you and be clearer in your communication.
• Finally, look for the positives and appreciate what you have today: Your life, your expectations, and your happiness.

Happiness depends on what you think, not on who you are or what you have. Happy new year to everyone.