You don’t see your arguments, your kids do. Change what they see.

One of the first questions I ask clients is “how is the communication between you and your ex-partner currently?” Some common responses might be, “we don’t communicate at all”, or “only via text or email if we have to” or, “she is too difficult to talk to and aggressive” or, “he is a narcissist, there is no point.”

You might be thinking well that’s expected, after all they are in mediation and going through separation or some kind of conflict.

I wonder, if people knew about how communication (or in this case the lack of communication) impacts child development, would the situation be any different?

Early education is the key

Some of the impacts on children of on-going conflict can be: Mental health and wellbeing challenges; Problems with school and learning; Behavioural problems.

A recent government paper showed that prolonged conflict between separating parents is harmful to children’s wellbeing and life chances. There is also clear evidence that an order from the court often does not provide a long-term solution for families, especially when the child’s needs change as they get older. There is clear research that mediation agreements are overall more long-lasting than agreements imposed on families. For some however, family court is the right and necessary option, where issues of child and adult safety and child welfare are identified.

There are different stages of the separation cycle, when one or both sides is going through a range of emotions, communication can be challenging. 

So let’s break it down into: communication in the short term and communication in the long term. 

What you can do in the short term to minimise the impact of conflict

• Sharing information with each other, like you would if you were looking after a friend’s child.
• Ensuring the child knows that both parents are on the same page and can talk to each other.
• Modelling good behaviour – avoiding arguments in front of them
• Co-operation and flexibility on both sides when it comes to arrangements
• Let them know if there are other family members they can talk to/ confide in

There are also some tools that can help improve communication:

• Setting clear boundaries: Let the person know if you are finding their behaviour unacceptable and let them know what you are willing to tolerate.
• Knowing the other parents personality and how to word sentences.
• Having a regular discussion where the agenda is set in advance.
• Using “I” statements, for example “I feel…when you…because…. Next time please….”
• Using STOP and HALT signs
• Be concise and direct: Keep your communication clear and to the point.
• Instead of getting caught in a power struggle, try to redirect the conversation towards finding common ground or a mutually beneficial solution.
• Co-parenting courses and co-parenting apps can also be very helpful.

Many people fall into the trap of talking about past events or how conversations used to be. Taking a different approach when it comes to communicating can result into a good foundation for a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Remember, you don’t have control over others and you may not be able to change the person’s behaviour or attitude. It’s important to manage your own expectations and be realistic.

The longer term approach

Effective communication between co-parents helps establish and maintain consistent routines, rules, and expectations for their children. Consistency across both homes reduces confusion and anxiety, allowing children to thrive.

By building trust over time and creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding, you will be able to work towards making joint decisions that prioritise the best interests of the children. 

Regular communication ensures that parents stay informed about important events in their child’s life, such as medical appointments, school activities, and milestones, allowing them to actively participate and provide support.

Benefits:

Healthy role modelling – Parents serve as the primary role models for their children. Improved communication between parents provides children with a first hand experience of healthy and respectful interactions.

Reduced conflict and stress – Conflict between parents can have a detrimental impact on children’s emotional and psychological well-being. Children who grow up in households with improved communication experience less anxiety and have better coping mechanisms.

Effective co-parenting – When parents communicate effectively, they can work together to make informed choices about their children’s well-being education, health, activities.

Make it a priority

Communication is the backbone of successful mediation.  It can enable people to reach agreements that are built on clarity, reduce future conflicts, and lay the foundation for improved relationships moving forward.

Most importantly, improved communication between parents has a transformative impact on children’s lives.